love heart tunnel

How to Be Happy in ALL Aspects of Life by Creating a Happy Lifelong Partner Relationship 

4 Keys to Success


Are you struggling with partner relationships? Are they too difficult, painful, distant, unfulfilling, angry or passionless?

love heart tunnel

Have you given up on the hope of a successful relationship? and also deep-down know that they can be joyful, fun, sexy, connecting, supportive and wonderful?

You see people who are amazingly happy because they’ve got life right and you can see that their partner relationship is central to their success in all other aspects of their lives?

It can all be learned, so read on to find out 4 keys that can make it work for you too.

I have numbered the keys because I refer to them many times throughout the article. If you need a quick summary to refer to (or put on your wall), just printout this:

 — -SUMMARY — -

1) INTIMACY  

Sharing our truth, ‘feeling the feelings’, listening and seeking to understand each other, feeling we can express and be heard.

Being vulnerable, taking risks, commitment to each other, to learning and growing, to values and to ‘doing the work’ and ‘staying’ when it gets difficult.

Investing time and energy, vision/planning/making decisions on the future of our relationship, taking responsibility for your own ‘stuff’, holding each other accountable, integrity.

(Note – Intimacy is not about sex, intimacy is about truth).

2) LOVEMAKING

Affection/touch/sex, kindness/service, laughter, play, creating, thoughtfulness, shared experiences.

Supporting each other to grow and live your best lives, nurturing shared vision/goals, helping each other to heal, patience, relaxation, slowness.

 — -1) and 2) are the glue that holds everything together.

3) SPACE

Differences in your ideas, wanting different things, autonomy (i.e. making your own decisions) following your individual dreams.

Personal development, nurturing the masculine / feminine energy dynamic, differences in your characters that complement your partners character.

— You indulge your individuality/passions/autonomy and create the pull of ‘attraction’. Which brings joy and excitement to the time you spend together with your partner. The more fulfilling your ‘outside’, the more you bring into the relationship.

The better the 3) -space is, the better the 1) -intimacy & 2) -lovemaking are.

~~~~

So what is the 4th key?

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4) Comes from the combination of 1), 2) and 3) —  in the right recipe for your unique relationship.

This is the holy grail, the real ‘juice’ of the relationship and how we live our best life as a result.

 

4) TRUST

As trust grows for ourselves and each other, the safer/more secure we feel. 

The more loved we feel, the more alive, supported, powerful, free, happier, abundant, accepted, peaceful and authentic we feel – in ourselves, when we’re alone, — and when we’re together with our partner.

— Trust grows from investing in 1) -intimacy, 2) -lovemaking & 3)-space. The better 4) – trust- is, the better all the 1), 2) & 3) are.

Nurturing intimacy, lovemaking and space, creates a positive upward spiral for trust in your relationship.  

When we live in trust, the happier all aspects of life are!

  • Have awareness of the feelings in the 4) TRUST section at all times — if it’s lacking, consider which of the other 3 areas you need to focus on right now.

 — — SUMMARY ENDS — -


So… how do you achieve success in the 3 areas of 1) Intimacy, 2) Lovemaking and 3) Space? Read on…


 

If you want to have an amazing relationship with your partner, and for them to be an amazing person for you, it is important that you have an amazing relationship with yourself.

SELF-AWARENESS is crucial to your life happiness and success

Self-Awareness is the key to self mastery. Gretchen Rubin quote.

Continued self-awareness and growth is always an important way of navigating along the path to relationship and life nirvana.

If you want to have an amazing relationship with your partner, and for them to be an amazing person for you, it is important that you have an amazing relationship with yourself.

You have to meet each other in the space of amazingness.

Be honest with yourself about the expectations you have about your partner and recognise how you want to love and be loved. Be aware of your strengths and weaknesses and how they relate to your past experiences and future goals.

Know who you want to be in a relationship with – by being that in relationship with yourself.

Ultimately, you are reflections of each other, so who/what you are, so is the ‘other’.

Couple holding hands, making the shape of a heart

Manifesting your ideal partner 

Write it all down (this is a very powerful exercise of intention and manifestation).

Answer these questions with as much detail as possible:

  • What is my ideal partner? That I would want to spend the rest of my life with? How are they? How do they look, act, feel? Why is this important to me?
  • What person do I need to become, to manifest that partner/relationship in my life?

Know your personal values plus your vision for who/what you want to become.

Be aware that if you are super rigid in your requirements you might spend a life time looking for that person. Love yourself and accept yourself for who you are and find someone who is in alignment with most of your values/vision. 

Then choose…


 

CHOOSE THEM — Make a Choice and then Stick to It!

Choose somebody who meets most of the criteria and from that point use all this learning and do the work, and continue to choose them (which will become easier and easier as 4) grows) to make this relationship the love of your life.

  • PLEASE NOTE – I do not condone abuse or staying in an abusive relationship for the sake of commitment and ‘choosing them’. If that’s where you are right now, please reconsider your self-awareness questions above, respect yourself and find someone who respects you too.

When you have chosen carefully, if you both can commit to doing the 3 areas consistently your relationship will grow more amazing consistently.

The greatest gift you can give to your partner is commitment. The more you commit to the 3 areas, the more they will commit to doing the same. The more you ‘step-in’ when it’s difficult to do so, the more they will too.

Growing 4) trust can take time.

Choose them, and choose to be the very best you can be, for yourself and for them, each moment.


 

ATTRACTION — Being Aware of, and Honouring Your Masculine/Feminine Energies

In this section I talk about man=masculine and woman=feminine but in truth we all have different levels of masculine/energy and it’s not gender specific.

But just be aware that although we connect through lovemaking when there’s less polarisation of the masculine/feminine between two people. We create passion/sexual attraction when there’s more polarisation of the masculine/feminine between us both.

Be aware of your masculinity/femininity levels at all times. Play with 1–3 to move around the range of these energies as you feel in the moment. Once you both have a good understanding of this dynamic you can both make it magical.

Be also aware of balance. In yourself, in your partner and in the relationship space between you.

YOU ARE BOTH RESPONSIBLE FOR MANAGING THE MASCULINE/FEMININE DYNAMIC BETWEEN YOU!

As a man (or the person taking the masculine role) you get in touch with your masculine energy by being in touch with yourself through 3) space/solitude and doing things you love, achieving goals, adventure, growth etc and being around other masculine energy.

If your man is losing his masculine edge he needs space. If you, as a man feel like you’re losing your masculine energy take some space and/or speak your truth to tell your partner what you need to embrace your masculine energy.

And as a woman, if you feel you’re losing yourself. Losing your feminine qualities. Maybe you’re having to take charge of the relationship, lead and be in the masculine energy. You need some space. Doing things for you, enjoying the activities you love doing. Being by yourself, being with other feminine energy.

When you’ve both nourished the right levels of opposing masculine/feminine energies you will feel attraction again. The polarised differences are attractive to both of you.

Conversely, if as a man, you’re being too masculine and you need to get in touch with your feminine side, which is important for connection. Do more of 2) and perhaps some 1).

If as a woman you’re being too feminine and feel you’re being walked over and you need to be more of your masculine side do more of 1) and 2) also.

We all need to be able to access both aspects of our masculine/feminine energy at different moments. We also have different things that attract us and all are attracted to different levels of masculine / feminine, so in each partnership this is different. This makes each connection so beautiful as you’re constantly learning about each other.

 

Honour Your Partner

If you want to nurture that polarisation/attraction we have to honour each other…

Women —  Honour the man-ness, the masculine, of your man. Stop putting him down for being a man. Let him lead, let him be powerful, strong and confident. Honour him as a King, as a God. When you want more man-power, ask for more man-power. Encourage his power in his masculinity by accepting and being grateful for him fully in that way.

Men —  Honour the woman-ness, the feminine, of your woman. Stop putting her down for being a woman. Let her feel and express her feelings and needs and be open-hearted and flowing. Honour her as a Queen, as a Goddess. When you want more woman-magic ask for more woman-magic. Encourage her power in her femininity by accepting and being grateful for her fully in that way.

This is the route to amazing passion.

Celebrate your lover for being whole and in their power.

Take ownership of what you want in yourself and in your partner.

Of course, have boundaries and respect yourself just as much. Speak your truth as much as you need to. But also let yourself be vulnerable and give yourself to each other.

When you feel safe and supported in your wholeness, this is where the magic happens. This is where Trust 4) grows.


OVERCOME TOGETHER — Common Relationship Scenarios you Can Overcome with more Intimacy, Lovemaking or Space

 

What is coming up?

What to work on? (Do them in this order)

Why?

I feel angry

> 3, 1, 2

or perhaps 1, 2

If you can’t communicate without hurting your partner take plenty of 3) space and then talk when you’ve calmed down. If you can, 1) speak your truth kindly then speak and 2) make love.

I feel they’re being angry towards me

> 3, 1, 2

or perhaps 1, 2

If they can’t communicate without hurting you take plenty of 3) space to respect yourself and then talk when they’ve calmed down. If they can, 1) speak their truth kindly then speak and 2) make love.

I’m feeling ‘clingy’

> 1, 2

Speak intimately 1) about why you feel this way and 2) make love.

I feel they’re being ‘clingy’

> 2, 1, 3

2) Help them to feel loved. Speak 1) about why you feel they’re being clingy. Take space 3).

I need space/ wanting to run away / feeling like I’m losing myself

> 1 and then plenty of 3 > 2

You’ve been too close. You need some (healthy) time apart. 1) Ask for space, tell them why, speak your truth. Be kind. Tell them you’re not ‘leaving’ the relationship. 3) Take space and nurture the aliveness in you. When you come back, lots of 1) and 2) to nurture the relationship again.

They need space

> 1, 3, 2 

1) Listen to your partner. Let them take space. 3) Take some space for self-love yourself, nurture the aliveness in you. Love yourself and be an awesome person (for yourself not for anyone else). When they return, be glad to see them, lots of 2) and then 1) to nurture the relationship.

I feel unheard

> 3, 1, 2

If you don’t feel heard,  learn how to 3) listen to yourself and to 1) communicate kindly and assertively (not aggressively). When you have been able to share your truth and you feel heard then 2) be grateful and make love.

I feel scared

> 3, 1, 2

3) Take space and ask yourself, ‘why do I feel scared?’. Is it your stuff or is it as a result of your partner’s actions? 1) Communicate your feelings. 2) Grow your connection and safety by making love.

Can’t see a future

> 1, 3, 1, 2, 1

You haven’t nurtured enough 4) Trust yet. Do lots of 1, 2 & 3. You already know which of these you need to focus on right now. Don’t have expectations on 4), just keep working on 1, 2 & 3.

I feel like I’m boring

> 3

You need 3) space to get in touch with you and nurture your aliveness (for you).

I feel they’re boring

> 3, 1, 3, 2

You need to take 3) space to see how you’re contributing to their behaviour (as you can change yourself much easily than changing your partner). Find some space for gratitude and seeing the good in them and your relationship, and miss each other a bit. Talk 1) about how you feel and 2) contribute into making the relationship more fun.

I want them to be more masculine/ feminine

> 1, 3 followed by 2

1) Ask for what you’d like them to be. Explain how and why you like it in them. Be grateful for who they are, nurture that in them. Take responsibility for your part of this dynamic. Have some 3) time apart so they can find it in themselves. 2) make love to enjoy it.

I’m attracted to other people

> 2, 1

2) Be more loving towards your partner. 1) Commit to your relationship with them more. The more you commit to them, the more they will commit to you, the better your relationship will be, they less you’ll be interested in others.

They’re attracted to other people

> 3, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3

It may seem counterintuitive to take space when your partner is attracted to others, but you need to 3) nurture your awesome aliveness in yourself to be attractive. Love yourself first, feel ‘enough’ in yourself  and you will be more attractive to them. Also 1) when you’ve had some space to love yourself speak to your partner about how you feel. Respect yourself and be awesome for yourself. When your partner recognises that awesomeness again, 1) commit to the relationship more. Work on 1), 2) and 3) and build 4) together the more you will both be attracted to each other.

The passion has faded

> 1, 3

Work on the intimacy 1) and the 3) space and over time either your relationship with each other will start to flourish again or you’ll find a better relationship partner. The 1) and the 3) will help you to find the 2) again. 

Too much ‘drama’

> (slow down on the 1) and work on things in the order of 2, 3, 1. Stay in the relationship long enough for the time it takes to build the 4

Happens often in new relationships. Most people can’t handle a lot of 1) intimacy without enough 2) lovemaking, and usually 3) space doesn’t exist and there hasn’t been enough 4) trust yet developed because of it. So you have a flame-fuelled experience that implodes.But at the start of a relationship we want to share our 1) all of it, because we want this person to be ‘the one’, but we’re also scared about sharing our 1) the other person can’t handle it all at once especially when we’ve been round the block a few times! We don’t have enough 4) yet.

Of course, I’ve not covered all scenarios here, but here are many of the common ones. Your experience may be different, but I’ve given you some pointers to consider and areas to focus your energy on. As you can see though each scenario can be improved by focusing on one of the three areas.

Further things to consider

There may also be variables in your experience such as your personality types, attachment styles, the stage of your relationship, your past trauma’s and triggers, but each of these things can be nurtured and overcome with the right levels of 1, 2 & 3. 

~~~Look at your 4) regularly and ask yourself which of the 1), 2) or 3) is needed in this moment.~~~

Happiness is not a matter of intensity – but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony – Thomas Merton

 

IDEAS— How to develop 1) Intimacy, 2) Lovemaking & 3) Space

All these skills can be developed, learned and grown, you just have to commit to the process. Don’t be too hard on yourself and your partner when you get it wrong, just forgive and keep going. Remember the more you do, the better it gets.

 

1) Intimacy

  • develop compassionate communication skills (search ‘Nonviolent Communication’ as great place to start)
  • speaking your truth (even/especially when it’s hard to share)
  • sharing wants and needs
  • developing your listening skills
  • letting the other person feel heard (even/especially when it’s hard to receive)
  • learning how to ‘agree to disagree’ on certain matters (and minimising compromises that lead to resentment)
  • taking on board criticism
  • be a student of your partner, make it your most important daily and life’s work to understand/learn about them
  • always speaking kindly
  • see their truth as a ‘gift’ and ‘they’re wanting to love me by sharing this’ — rather than a threat/criticism
  • never speaking negatively behind their back — (only ever speaking directly to them about relationship issues)
  • removing the need to be ‘right’ or ‘control’ everything
  • developing a ‘team’ between the two of you (if one member of the team is unhappy — the team is failing)
  • listening to your partners requests for 2) lovemaking and 3) space and trying your best to enable it
  • asking each other regularly ‘how are you feeling?’
  • asking each other regularly ‘what do you need right now?’
  • acknowledging that you’re both imperfect humans and doing your best
  • respect each others’ right to have an opinion and make decisions
  • committing to the relationship — planning the future/including your partner, committing to take risks in growing the relationship
  • taking responsibility for nurturing the masculine/feminine dynamic between you
  • taking responsibility for how you have contributed to ‘issues’
  • taking responsibility for your ‘stuff’ — your trauma, your past experiences, your feelings and needs, your ‘attachment style’ – being ‘self-aware’
  • being aware of the quality of your connection with each other at all times

 

2) Lovemaking

  • physical touch/affection
  • eye contact
  • kindness in speech (which could also count as intimacy)
  • say ‘thank you’ as often as you can — gratitude is super-powerful — the more you’re grateful, the more things you will receive to be grateful for
  • tell them ‘I love you’ as often as you can
  • give gifts — small ones each day especially
  • tell the other people in your life how much you love your partner
  • flirting
  • playing together
  • laughter
  • remember this — “lovemaking starts when the sex has just finished”
  • acts of service
  • thoughtfulness
  • family fun-times
  • nurturing shared values
  • helping them to be healthier e.g. good food/nutrition, shared fitness activities
  • supporting them in achieving their personal goals
  • sharing in your aligned values and activities
  • being genuinely interested in your partner
  • learn how they like to be loved — discover their ‘love-language’
  • accept their flaws
  • learn how to pleasure your partner and being a better lover
  • doing things your partner likes (even if you don’t) because it’s important to them
  • ask what they like and share what you like
  • being aware of, and nurturing, their ‘safety’ in your relationship space at all times
  • flow with them as they go through life — minimise resistance to change
  • connecting with your hearts
  • BREATHE together

 

3) Space

  • be a student of yourself, make it your most important daily and life’s work to understand/learn about yourself
  • get enough rest
  • personal care/looking after your body
  • study/learn about things that excite you
  • envision the future
  • pursue your personal goals
  • earn money
  • manage your emotions
  • reflect/process what has happened, what your contribution was
  • ask yourself questions e.g. asking ‘how can I do … better next time?’
  • thinking about your partner, solving relationship problems
  • go on adventures
  • enjoy the things your partner isn’t interested in joining you in doing
  • getting gifts and preparing surprises for your partner
  • spend time with your friends
  • enjoy solitude
  • meditate
  • creative outlets – art/music/building
  • play sports, increase your fitness
  • relax
  • nurturing GRATITUDE in your mind for all you have and reducing negative thoughts of what is lacking, develop an ‘attitude of gratitude’ (this one is massive so I have mentioned it twice)
  • connecting with spirit/higher power/God’s guidance within
  • ‘missing’ your partner/ looking forward to seeing them
  • become self-aware by asking yourself regularly how much of 1, 2 & 3 you need and communicate this.

Positive activities that make you whole and fill you up is recommended — refrain from self-destructive and secretive activities (e.g. drugs/alcohol, cheating/flirting with other people, excessive social media/tv, workaholism, gambling etc) as these often impact your relationship and personal happiness/ peace of mind

Spend your time rising yourself to the best version of yourself you can be. As you do that work on your inner-self, your outer experience rises to meet it.

  • PLEASE NOTE – Space is related to ‘spaciousness’ – you don’t necessarily need to have lots of time away from your partner to feel spacious, many of the best relationships are based on close-connected interdependence, where partners spend most/all their time together, but where both partners feel spacious because they are allowed/supported to be completely themselves within that relationship space. They have great 1) Intimacy to communicate their needs, great 2) Lovemaking to feel loving and loved and have nurtured lots of 4) Trust as a result.

4) Trust

Trust has 4 components, but the great thing is we nurture all these 4, by nurturing and having balance in the 3 keys above…

  • a) Trust for self
  • b) Trust our partner feels for themselves
  • c) Trust we feel for our partner
  • d) Trust our partner feels for us

We can’t build trust in isolation, trust can only come from the combination of 1), 2) and 3) — and only if they’re done right.

 

ALCHEMY- The Power of Combining 3 elements to make 4

  • The more 1) intimacy we are allowed to have and 2) lovemaking we give/receive and the more 3) space we enjoy/spaciousness we feel … the better our 4) trust for ourself and our partner grows.
  • The more 1) intimacy we share and the more 3) spacious we let our partner feel, the more 4) trust grows and the better 2) lovemaking is.
  • By the love we give our partner through 1) greater intimacy & 2) more loving lovemaking which stems from our increasing feelings of 3) spaciousness and 4) freedom, support, authenticity etc we boost our partner to be awesome in the world and be awesome in their power too.
  • The more 1) intimacy/honesty we share, the more 3) spaciousness is required to receive it and from that increased understanding of each other the better 2) lovemaking will happen as a result.
  • The more 3) we feel ourselves, the more attractive/attracted we are, the better the 2) lovemaking.
  • The better the 1) intimacy/ 2) lovemaking the better the time apart.
  • Also, the better 1&2 are, the more we trust each other and the more the space we can take and enjoy without it impacting the relationship. The more we invest in 1) the better 2) is and consequently the better 3) is.
  • We feel 4) strong because we are being our authentic selves whilst feeling strong because we are supported by our partner and the universe.

Then as our personal power, our relationship and our love increases in awesomeness, the bucket overflows outwards to more people in our lives. The more we have joy in ourselves the more joy we share with the other people in the world. Which nourishes and raises them too and builds better relationships in family, friendships, work, finances, health… and on and on… creating more and more abundance.

The better we can do 1, 2 & 3 the more 4 grows for everybody around us which further nurtures 1,2 & 3.

Positive spiral. 

Win-Win-Win (win for you, win for your partner and win for all the people around you both).

 

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